divinelytragic
(Source)
divinelytragic
(Source)
me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare
Since April 2016, I have become more sensitive. I have been noticing almost everything. Every. Single. Little. Thing. I have been very observant of inconsistencies. I have become very paranoid and suspicious. I have been having difficulties of trusting words, when actions have been frequently saying a different thing.
I have been trying. I have been trying SO HARD everyday to take control over my thoughts. Every single day, I fight. I fight against my anxiety, my overthinking, and my trust issues. I distract myself and keep myself busy. I have been trying to focus on the good things, and to bring back the happy, optimistic, Liz.
Trust me. Since April 2016, I have been trying so hard.
But, sometimes, it just gets too overwhelming.
I am not speaking up to solicit pity from other people. It is probably the last thing I want and need. Today, I am speaking up and letting this all out, to finally give myself a favor - to set myself free. Because maybe, just maybe, this could help me heal better and a little bit quicker.
Today, I can also honestly say that I have been a bit better. Not totally okay, but at least better. One baby step at a time. Slow progress is still progress.
(S/o to all those who never left my side!! #blessed despite everything. Life is still beautiful.)
April 2016, I had my first anxiety attack. Before I even knew about all the truth, I had dreams about it. I was very worried, because the dreams felt so real. I tried to shy the thought away, but one day of April, my body just could not handle it anymore that it manifested my anxiety.
One quiet Friday morning of April 2016 in mass, I suddenly felt numb. I was literally numb. My chest started to feel numb, and then my entire body, up to my entire extremities. I felt dizzy. And then, I could not catch my breathe anymore. I was rushed to the emergency room. All necessary tests were done, and the doctor said it was an anxiety attack.
The happy, optimistic Liz have changed since April 2016. Looking back, I now see and realize how much I have changed. I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Since April 2016, I have cried buckets of tears. I have cried so much more in the past year, compared to my tears shed 21 years combined. I wish I could control it, I really wish I could.
Sometimes, when random uncontrollable flashbacks and thoughts come rushing in, I would just catch myself tearing up. While walking, when in the Uber, or when at bed - it did not choose any place or time.
I have mastered keeping a strong, smiling face when facing other people. I have become an expert sobbing quietly at night, as to not awake my sleeping sister. I have made excuses of having colds, just to cover up my swollen, watery, red eyes and runny nose.
Today, I have gathered enough courage to finally stop lying to people, and most especially to myself.
For more than a year, I have been denying to myself what I have been really going through. I have never been really honest with myself. Yes, of course, my family and friends know about what happened. But, I have neither really spoken to anyone about it nor have admitted to myself, the real feelings and emotions that come with the details of the story.
I am not speaking up to solicit pity from other people. It is probably the last thing I want and need. Today, I am speaking up and letting this all out, to finally give myself a favor - to set myself free. Because maybe, just maybe, this could help me heal better and a little bit quicker.
April 2016; even the tiniest details are still as vivid like it was just last month. I got cheated on. But what hurt even more, that month, I knew I was being lied to… For countless times, by the one person I put my 100% trust on.
It was not the first time I was cheated on and lied to. A few years back, another person I loved also chose other girls over me, and lied about it. A few years back, my friends went behind my back and chose not to tell me the truth, even when they knew about it.
But maybe, April 2016 was my breaking point. I just could not handle everything anymore. I have felt worthless and just being taken advantaged of.
Ever since then, I have been questioning myself and my worth, and have been non-stop thinking about so many why’s. One question answered by another, and it came to the point that even though how much I tried so hard to control it, I could not.
What is wrong with me?
Am I not worth it?
Am I not enough?
Do I really look ugly? Fat?
Was everything I did not yet enough?
What wrong did I do?
What did I not do?
Am I boring?
Am I not cool to converse with?
Am I not fun to be with?
Am I not adventurous?
… and the list goes on, and on.
(P.S. Thank you to the brave souls who cared about and loved me enough, and decided to tell me the truth. You know who you two are, I am forever grateful.)